It was a great pleasure to talk with Kyira Wackett on her podcast, Untethering Shame. In this episode we discussed how death discomfort creates discomfort with aging, what it means to live an intentional life, rethinking cultural norms around aging, and so much more.
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Parts Work: A Gentle Approach to Your Inner World
What Is “Parts Work”?
Parts work is a way of understanding our inner experience.
We all contain multiple perspectives, emotions, and needs. Rather than seeing internal conflict as confusion or weakness, parts work views it as a conversation between different aspects of yourself, each with its own concerns and wisdom.
You’ve likely already done this without realizing it: “Part of me wanted to go to the party, but another part was anxious about meeting new people.”
How It Helps
When you feel torn about a decision or overwhelmed by complex emotions, parts work offers a practical way forward.
It creates helpful distance from overwhelming feelings.
It reduces self-judgment by recognizing that conflicting feelings serve protective purposes.
It allows you to address internal conflicts with curiosity rather than frustration.
It helps uncover deeper feelings hiding beneath surface reactions.
Simple Ways to Practice
You can begin exploring parts work with these simple approaches:
Ask gentle questions: “Is there a part of me, even a small one, that wants something different here?”
Visualize your parts: Try imagining different aspects of yourself sitting in a room talking to each other, or draw them on paper like a mind map.
Listen without judgment: When you notice conflicting feelings, try giving each “voice” a few minutes of your full attention.
The Internal Family Systems Approach
Internal Family Systems (IFS), developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, offers a comprehensive framework for parts work. IFS views the fundamental nature of the mind as naturally multiple.
- It recognizes different categories of parts (protectors, managers, exiles) each with specific roles
- It introduces the concept of “Self” as your core essence—compassionate, curious, and capable of healing
- It provides specific techniques for dialoguing with parts and helping them transform
Connecting With Your Past Self
Many people find parts work especially valuable for healing childhood experiences. Phrases like “inner child work” or Robyn Posin’s “Little Ones” describe how your adult self can provide the understanding and care that younger aspects of you may still need.
This makes parts work particularly effective for addressing harsh inner critics, shame, and persistent patterns that began early in life.
Starting Your Journey
In therapy, parts work offers a compassionate framework for self-understanding. Rather than trying to eliminate difficult emotions or “fix” yourself, you’re invited to listen to all aspects of your experience with curiosity and care.
This approach helps you develop not just insight, but also practical skills for emotional regulation, self-compassion, and authentic decision-making in complex situations.
To Learn More
No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness Within the Internal Family Systems Model by Richard C. Schwartz
The Disney films Inside Out and Inside Out 2 are fun introductions to the concept of parts.
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If you’re ready to stop waiting for your partner
If you’re ready to stop waiting for your partner to change and start creating the relationship dynamic you want, this book is an excellent place to begin. It’s the perfect companion to therapy—or a great first step if you’re still deciding whether professional support might be helpful for your relationship. For more details, read on.
If you’ve ever felt stuck in your relationship, wondering if change is possible when your partner seems unwilling or unable to meet you halfway, this book offers both hope and a practical roadmap forward. Winifred Reilly, a marriage and family therapist with decades of experience treating couples, presents a refreshing, honest and empowering approach — you can transform your relationship by focusing on what you have some actual influence and control over: yourself.
What Makes This Book Special
Written from Reilly’s personal experience of the ups and downs of her 40-year marriage, this book feels like wisdom shared by a trusted friend. Reilly skillfully weaves together theory, practical strategies, and real stories that will resonate with anyone who’s been married or in a long-term committed partnership.
The book’s central premise is that by becoming a leader of positive change, it only takes one person to change the entire relationship dynamic.
What You’ll Learn
Part One helps you identify what’s really going wrong in your relationship. Reilly explains why marriage feels so difficult (hint: we’re playing a complex game without understanding the rules) and how to position yourself as the catalyst for change.
Part Two dives into the how-to of transformation: managing your own anxiety, dealing with differences, and recognizing your role in creating the dynamics that frustrate you. One section addresses how to “make peace with the little things that drive us nuts”—a skill that can dramatically improve daily life together.
Part Three focuses on sustained growth, both individually and as a couple. Reilly shares insights about what actually makes happy couples happy (it’s not what most people think) and offers encouragement for the journey ahead.
The Developmental Model Explained
One of this book’s greatest strengths is how Reilly presents the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy, which is one of the foundations of my couples therapy practice. In plain language, she normalizes that couples go through predictable stages of growth and challenges throughout their relationship.
She also describes one of the key concepts of the Developmental Model, which is differentiation. This deceptively simple concept has three parts:
- knowing your own thoughts, feelings, beliefs, desires
- speaking them out loud to your partner in a relational way
- holding steady while your partner does the same, even if you don’t like what you’re hearing
Differentiation is subtle, elegant, and much more than behavioral change or enhancing communication skills.
It’s a relational stance that takes effort and attention. It requires development and expansion of your self-awareness, other-awareness, emotional capacity, and self-regulation skills.
Differentiation isn’t a destination, but rather an ongoing, dynamic process.
If you’re curious and want to learn more, the appendix of It Takes One to Tango contains a highly relatable list of “Typical and Normal Ways People Avoid Differentiation.” You’ll find yourself on that list, I promise – I certainly did. Differentiation is a developmental process we all need to learn and nurture and it’s an empowering foundation of the couples therapy I practice.
Who Should Read This Book
This book is invaluable for anyone in a committed relationship, although it has particular value for partners who have been married or committed for at least a few years. It’s likely you’ll be able to relate some of your own experiences to Reilly’s stories and examples — I did and I found myself laughing, crying, having “aha!” moments throughout.
The book is also excellent for individuals whose partners aren’t ready for couples therapy. If you’ve been the one pushing for professional help while your spouse resists, this book offers a way forward that doesn’t require their participation (though they may become curious about therapy once they see positive changes in you).
If you’ve experienced a break up or divorce, this book can help you take a compassionate, honest look at your own contribution to the relationship and its demise. It will help you identify areas for personal growth that will help you not only in a future partnership, but in all your relationships.
Why I Recommend This Book
In couples therapy we start with the basics of the Developmental Model as a framework for how to understand what partners are struggling with. Sometimes clients ask if there are materials they can read outside of session to learn more. This is the book I recommend.
The book normalizes so many common relationship struggles – you’re not broken because you fight in unhealthy ways or because you and your partner are very different people. You’re human, and you’re learning.
Perhaps most importantly, this book offers realistic hope. Change is possible, but it requires courage, commitment, and the willingness to look honestly at yourself. Reilly provides both inspiration and tools for this transformative work. Whether your partner joins you in therapy or not, you’ll be investing in your own growth and well-being. The skills you develop through your own therapy and reading books like this will benefit not just your marriage, but all your relationships.